I was reminded of it recently by my good friend George who is, amoung many other wonderful things, the most articulately clever writer I know. He sent me one of his tear-inducingly-hilarious emails, and as an aside he commented on excessive displays of written affection as being ‘shameless sycophancy’. The word first sent me to the dictionary, and then to some further musing.
It’s a big word, love. I wondered whether it was okay to say all the time, or should it be reserved for special occasions when it is really, truly meaningful? I thought about all the significant moments in my life that had been enriched by those three words; I love you.
One of the most memorable was the birth of my first nephew Ronin. My sister Melody had swayed her way through 20 exhausting hours of labour and at 6:47pm when he made his way screaming into the world she and Ronin’s Dad, David cradled him and each other in a heap on the floor. ‘It’s okay baby’ she said, all of the pain and exhaustion seemingly forgotten in his tiny cranky presence, ‘We love you’.
Now I love that kid; I was far too tired to feel anything but disconnected exhaustion after he was birthed, but he has grown on me over time. It’s probably not overly dramatic to say that sometimes, randomly, I get caught in the grip of intense and chilling panic about how I would manage to place foot after foot, breath after breath if anything happened to him. But at that moment, before I loved him, those three words of comfort seemed an enormous gift. Seriously. She just pushed his head out of her vagina. And then told him she loved him. Enough said.
I thought then of that romantic love that leads to baby making and the first time a man told me he loved me. He will remain nameless, which I am sure he would prefer, although I know he still loves me enough to indulge me outing him. We were curled up together after an afternoon of sunshine and beer, and he told me he had woken up in the middle of the night before and rolled over to see me sleeping beside him. He told me he realised in that quiet midnight moment that he was in love with me. Three words. A Big Deal.
Which of course takes me back to George. He got married to his sweetheart Kate last weekend. It was a wonderful wedding. He stood at the alter with a smile stretched so broad across his face it ached my cheeks. She started sobbing halfway down the tree-lined aisle and continued to sob throughout her vows; spurring a mass crying from the adoring crowd (and let me tell you photographing a wedding while weeping is a tricky thing to juggle). There were many words spoken between them and the magic three, the ‘I Love You’, was abundant.
I was getting carried away with the romance but my cynical brain kicked back into gear at that reflection and said ‘Yes, of course, but what we are talking about here is the over use of the word – a lack of respect for the appropriate time and place’. But hell, when is that?
My friend Luke* is always rolling his eyes at what he sees as an excess of girls telling each other ‘How pretty they are; How good their hair looks; I love you’ blah blah eye-roll blah. And I agree. Do we have to put a little x on the end of every text message, every email, every freaking status update? Do I have to tell everyone I love that I love them, every time I talk to them? There is one side of me that says ‘No’. Of course it is shameless sycophancy – like getting trapped in an endless landslide of saccharine sweet (and meaningless?) nothings. But then I think of who I say it to. And why. I say it to the people in my life who have held me together when I couldn’t do it by myself.
As I get older, and life is sometimes harder than I ever contemplated it could be, I feel compelled to heap the people around me with love. Its because if life has taught me anything its that sometimes the only reason you scrape through is because you have people in your life telling you that you are loved (and sometimes barely even then). In this sense I want to ignore my cynical brain (its quite good at evading me) and spread the words abundantly. Tell everyone I love them at every given opportunity. Hopefully not rendering the sentence completely ineffective in the thick layering.
So have I resolved my conundrum? No. I think a casual goodbye is not the place to chuck the trifecta, but I still do it; I wish people could pare it back so that the words became more weighted with meaning but I still overuse them. I understand life is hard, people need to hear kindness, but maybe we should get better at articulating why someone is loved by us to make it unique and meaningful. But for now I’m calling a truce between my cynical brain and me; I know you are going to roll your eyes you old cynic, but I love you.
* Luke is selective with his ‘I love you’s’ which makes the recipient feel very honoured when they are bestowed. I’ve been lucky enough to score a couple.
3 Comments
I really appreciate this contemplation of the use/over-use of stating love and other affectionate sentiments. I think about this often myself. But I have to say at least when I say it, it is heartfelt, or else I wouldn’t say it. Same as you, a lot of people have helped me through countless difficult times in my life. I truly appreciate them more than I believe there are words for now. Unfortunately, I do believe there are far too many people that do in fact use it as a throw away statement and therefore, that intention along with the regularity of the term being used, really does cause it to lose meaning and effect. I have learned to think twice when anyone has said those things to me even. It’s really sad.
First, for a photo lady you do alright with words too.
Second, Luke Ham’s hairy torso is magnificent.
Third, I do look a bit goofy with that big smile but I think if you can’t grin like a goose on your own wedding day…
Fourth, I love you too Gemma.
I have been taught by the women in my life, who have become my sisters, to say “I love you” more. To not only use it with my daughter, my mum, my lover. To say it at the end of a 40 minute catch up over the phone. To say it because it IS true.
Talk to you soon, Gem. Love you xx